Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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