I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
