happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
