I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
