Don't make out with my wife yet
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
