I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
