I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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