So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
