my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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