I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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