it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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