A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
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I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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