I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
