I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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