I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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