normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
