I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
