After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
