If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The uberlube is also flammable
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
