every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
