when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
