I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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