I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
people are starting to question the shark bite story
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
