A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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