today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
