onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
