he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
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one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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