I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
