My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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