Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
