literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
