watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
