theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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