my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Who died my cat blue again?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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