Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
