I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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