i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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