I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
