I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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