he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
