bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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