I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just threw up on my dentist
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
