Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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