sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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