In America we eat man semen.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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