Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
