He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
