My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
