doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
