A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
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my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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