i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
