Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Operation Purity has been aborted
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
