I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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