Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
