she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
