Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
