I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
