is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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