all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
