btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
