he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
