if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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