If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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