Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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