Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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